Forgiveness vs Nonjudgment
The virtue of forgiveness was the topic of a heated debate that a friend had with his was-to-be mother-in-law. She argued that forgiving people and forgiving ourselves is the path to happiness and (in my words) reunion with God. While acknowledging that forgiveness is a better 'place' than remaining in judgment of another, that we should strive for nonjudgment as the ultimate virtue.
In my life, the only times that I have had to forgive others is when I had judged them in the first place. To judge another requires us to forget that we and they are sprung from the same stock, are partakers of the same hope and sharers of the same nature... to judge another we judge that part of ourselves that lies within them that is currently being manifested by the very thing that you condemn. We see the flaws in others most clearly when we hold them close to our heart ourselves.
Ironically, the 'debate' existed because she denied that we could suspend judgment! I was being told that it was impossible to not judge someone who wrongs us, and therefore forgiveness is the highest perfection to which we might aspire. To me (and this could be my narcissism), she was telling me that something that she chose to believe impossible for her was also impossible for me... instead of acknowledging and encouraging the pursuit of a higher purpose.
I find this habit worst amongst individuals who bury their 'dark' side rather than coming to a sense of peace and resolution through accepting and releasing that darkness, realising that the only antidote to darkness is light. Self-righteous Christians are amongst the worst.
Forgiving another requires us to judge... so it were better that we not judge in the first place.
When I met that friend's friend earlier this week, the girl looking for love in all the wrong places, I could not judge her. While I could see where she was going and the pain that she was going through, I could only empathise with her plight, appreciating the pain that she goes through. It would be easy to make the mistake of me telling her that she is doing the 'wrong' thing by continuing to make her mistakes, and that she should learn from my mistakes... and there was a time when I would have tried to impose my experience on her! Yet I now know that our mistakes are our mistakes: they can't be had by another.
I try to spend a little time each day in silence and a little time in nonjudgment... noticing and accepting that no matter how the world might appear, knowing that it is 'perfect' just the way it is, and being grateful that it is unfolding as it should. I'll strive to spend days in nonjudgment.
posted by Daniel @ 11:07 pm
3 Comments:
Often the difficulty a lot of people having is to work towards overcoming an area of weakness or a fault. Changing is difficult to achieve but it can be done. Look at yourself in the mirror in the morning and ask the question, "Do I know this person standing in front of me and do I feel I am happy or does something need improvement or change?". It is often easier for people to list things they cannot do or what is wrong with them than to what they can do and achieve. For instance I use what is called "Mind Mappping". When a thought or situation cannot be resolved I draw a small circle with my name on it on a piece of paper. From this circle, I draw out lines indicating things I would like to change and work on. For example it could be how to overcome a difficult situation and finding solutions to deal with it to other matters. Learning to forgive others is difficult especially when you have informed a person that such an action they have taken is not a good and honest one. As you have said if you providing a loving hand and guidance, then surely this is the road to improvement?
One of the most difficult situations to deal with in life is with those who 'bully' and 'belittle' people. Such people force their insecure feelings and limitations onto others and try to make them believe and act the same way they do in order to feel less threatened. Throughout my working life, I have come across bullies who being insecure and having low self esteem make and enforce negative energy onto others. Quite recently, I have encountered a bit of bullying where a person feels they have power to 'scare' and put fear into my mind. Instead of reacting with anxiety, I try to emphasise with the person and make them realise that their actions can be resolved without the need for intimidation. Quite recently I spoke at an Alpha Course to where I confronted a group of people who held strongly to their beliefs and did not want their thoughts and opinions questioned. Within this situation, I tried to not sound confrontational but rather tried with immense difficulty to encourage people to think at my table and ask questions about what their understanding was of God and Jesus. When confronted with the difficult issues, people I find become rather uncomfortable and trying to soothe their concerns and anxieties can be difficult. I feel that as a person, if you close your mind to researching and thinking about difficult matters stunts personal growth. I feel that venturing out from a comfort zone is the only way and by challenges to understand who we really are as people. Rather than criticise a person for what they may know more than we do, imagine the situation of Plato and Aristotle where each learned from each other more important concepts and views about life. Indeed Socrates was such an inspirational thinker who spent much time delving into complexities and discussion and challenged the people in Greece to think more about themselves and the world around them. Although Socrates was forced to drink hemlock for his actions, he at least was able to have been known to get people thinking.
To acknowledge the shortcomings displayed by others is not to judge them. If we accept the world and those around us as it is and they are, we will find peace. However, that sense of peace does not mean that we should be complacent. I believe that the higher road is to accept the world as it is while lovingly working towards making it better.
When someone offers you a gift that you do not accept, to whom does the gift belong? Another person cannot 'make' you feel bullied or belittled or weak: If you feel that way, you are 100% responsible for that. It is both pragmatic and verifiable: By taking responsibility for our feelings we can do something about them... and you can! Consequently, if you are feeling 'bad', that is your choice.
If you want to feel better, just decide when you want to start.
When we 'inflict' our 'wisdom' on others, we do not show our loving self-acceptance. Instead, we demonstrate our need to correct others, dominate them and in doing so, reveal our insecurities.
Disrupting the status quo is expensive and painful... that's just the nature of a conservative world. Let's embrace its nature rather than criticising and complaining people and societies for being true to their nature.
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